I just need a good vent

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to vent. You know those days when everything just seems to pile up, and you can't help but feel overwhelmed? Yeah, today was one of those days. Except instead of relentlessly annoying my boyfriend with my complaints, I decided to channel that energy into writing.

I have been in pain since I can remember. Chronic pain is a relentless companion, and it has a way of seeping into every aspect of your life. I woke up yesterday with my already-sore knee feeling worse than usual. I hurt it months ago and it never really healed properly. So there I was, hobbling around for 6 months, trying to cope with my benzo pain medication, which only dulls the pain a little.

Today, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I felt like I was at my breaking point. I can't even go to the toilet myself without feeling like I'm going to collapse in agony. It's frustrating beyond words. I hate feeling like this, and I hate that my body is betraying me in this way.

Like I already struggle mentally with doing these tasks, but the physical pain makes it so much worse. I just want to be able to live my life without this constant burden weighing me down.

So I phoned 111 (the non-emergency medical helpline in the UK) to see if they could offer any advice. After not too long on hold, I finally got through to a nurse. I explained my situation, and she was understanding but I had to go through a series of questions about my symptoms. All of said questions being yes or no answers. It felt so impersonal, like I was just another case to be processed.

Anyway, the clinician phoned me back and she was great. She listened to me and took my concerns seriously. She understood the agoraphobia aspect and how difficult it is for me to get to a hospital. She has arranged for a team to assess me at home tonight. I just hope they can help me find some relief from this pain. Usually I cope so well with pain, but today it just feels unbearable.

The crutches are not helping much either. They just make me feel more unstable and vulnerable. I hate relying on them, but I don't see any other option right now.

I just needed to vent, and writing this down has helped a little. I hope that the team coming tonight can provide some solutions or at least some comfort. Chronic pain is a tough battle, but I'm determined to keep fighting. Thanks for listening.